• Action
• Adventure
• Comedy

Title: ESP (The Evil Sorcerers' Party)
Author: John W. Wells
Genre: Adventure
Files included: espfile1.zzt, espfile2.zzt, espfile3.zzt, espfile4.zzt, espfull.txt

Contents


1. About ESP
2. The Evil Sorcerers' Glossary
3. Troubleshooting
4. Credits and Acknowledgements
5. General Strategy
6. Hints
   - Disk one: Hints for chapters 1, 2, and 3
   - Disk two: Hints for chapters 3 and 4
   - Disk three: Hints for chapters 4 and 5 (Cleatle)
   - Disk four: Hints for chapter 5 (Burns)
7. Have you tried... (little hidden and not-so-hidden things)
8. Cut songs, sequences, and other stuff

About ESP:

ESP (The Evil Sorcerers' Party) is an attempt on my part to create a story-based comic adventure game in ZZT. That is all. It is not intended as partisan propaganda, or even as an espousal of ANY political views. However, it does contain certain elements of political satire. References to the 2000 Bush/Gore Presidential Race are frequent. (And proof that this game was very long in the making - they were still funny then.)


The Evil Sorcerers' Glossary:

You will encounter some or all of the following terms when playing ESP:


Captain Iridium: Captain of the Jolly Crawdad and hero of an early space opera.

Chia brain: The least popular gift item in the history of the world.

Entropy: The tendency of order to degenerate into chaos when no energy is added to a closed system. One of the laws of thermodynamics.

Entropy Nullifier: A device used to nullify the law of entropy and thus subvert the laws of thermodynamics.

Evil Sorcerers' Party (ESP): You'll see soon enough.

Familiar: A sorcerer's pet and assistant. Common familiars include cats, rats, and Gaunt Things.

Gaunt Thing: Cthulhus derlethii, a common familiar. Although Gaunt Things appear undead to the untrained eye, closer inspection reveals that they are actually living creatures. Gaunt Things host various symbiotic species of bacteria and fungi in their flesh, inducing a constant state of tissue necrosis that gives them their zombie-like appearance. This is one reason for their extreme crankiness.

Gilbert and Sullivan Society: One of many groups of idolatrous fanatics who worship the operettas of W. S. Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan. 

Inventory: The collection of objects carried by the player character (PC.) It is often accessible by typing ?+i, but is disabled for some scenes, such as action sequences and cutscenes. But don't jump to conclusions...

Player Character (PC): The character you control - either Cynthia Burns or John Cleatle, depending on the chapter.

Protest Party: A political party formed to combat the ESP.

Reaper Thing: A Gaunt Thing that has been trained to summon and wield a scythe. A Reaper Thing's scythe can be used only by its owner; it disintegrates when it leaves the creature's possession.

Rederring: A major city in Florida.

Sweeneyland: The world's premier ZZT-themed amusement park. Named after Tim Sweeney, creator of ZZT.

Teeking: (ESP slang) See Telekinesing. Etymology: From "TKing."

Telekinesis: The act of moving objects through sheer mental energy. In ESP slang, "teeking" or "TKing."


Troubleshooting:

Q: Eeeagh! Runtime error!

A:
Before playing ESP, it is wise to make a backup. Save early, and save often. There is always the chance that the file may be corrupted by a runtime error, due to the large size of some boards. In such a case, it is possible to run the game from the save file, even if the original .ZZT file is deleted.

To avoid getting a runtime error in the first place, it is best to run from MS-DOS mode, outside of Windows, restarting the computer and loading only the bare minimum of programs into memory. This also helps to prevent object disappearances. Remember to clear any flags you accidentally set.

Oh, and don't edit the game.


Q: Help! The game starts on the wrong board!

A:
If you've been tinkering with the game in the editor, this could happen. Just enter it in the editor, switch boards to Intro, save, and exit the editor.


Q: I can't hear any sound!

A:
You know, none of those have been in the form of a question. But I digress. Some systems can't play PC speaker music and sound effects. The fix depends on the system, and it is possible that your problem is insoluble.


Q: Sound keeps playing after I leave a scene.

A:
Push "B" twice.


Q: There is a bug in the game not mentioned above.

A: Send me an e-mail at kokolhe1@yahoo.com


Credits and Acknowledgments:

ZZT by Tim Sweeney
Design and programming by John W. Wells
Additional design and programming by Funk
Graphics by Funk, Zenith Nadir, and Rob P.
STK by Greg Janson
.txt File by John W. Wells
Additional code from the ZZT Encyclopedia

      - MUSIC CREDITS -

"Look Into My Eyes": Music and lyrics by John W. Wells
Sartorio battle: Music by John W. Wells
Excerpt from E. T. Theme: Music by John Williams
All other music by Sir Arthur Sullivan

     - BETA-TESTERS -

Funk
Madtom
Flaming_O
Master Raze
Siarin
Raistlenn
Dr. Dos


SPECIAL THANKS GO OUT TO THE ARTISTS FOR THEIR SUPERB WORK.

When I sent out the first disk of ESP to Funk, it was pretty ugly. A few boards looked decent, but several of them were too crowded, and the remainder were generally too empty. My color choices were poor, and I showed a strange reluctance to use objects in the art boards.

Funk not only vastly improved the graphics, bringing the stolid Brickles to life and making a truly creepy Gaunt Thing, he also went above and beyond the call of duty. He redesigned the board structure of the entire first chapter, splitting one crowded board into three and adding some new scene descriptions of his own. He added animations to the cutscenes and designed several art boards that weren't originally there, but served to break up the scenes a bit and vastly improve the game. One scene that was intended to look ghastly remained so, but it was somewhat less blinding after Funk made a few alterations. Needless to say, I was _impressed_. What I originally sent to Funk could not possibly compare to what he sent back to me.

Then disaster struck. After he had drawn several scenes for the second disk, the file was lost in a crash. Funk requested out on the project, due to both the pressures of schoolwork and the terrible wrongness of the whole thing. I agreed to find new artists for the rest of the game, but secretly felt that nobody would be able to live up to Funk's standard.

I was wrong. Funk helped me locate new artists, and I soon had a new team working on ESP. Zenith Nadir worked on the second disk, starting from the beginning of the fourth chapter, Rob P. worked on the third disk, and Kracken started drawing the fourth. I waited nervously for the results, and was stunned.

Zenith's colorful graphics perfectly captured the spirit of ESP's second file. The locations sprang to life, and, by a series of clever touches, including added animation, Zenith gave the whole segment a vitality that my own graphics completely failed to impart.

Rob P., too, did not disappoint. I wanted Cleatle to be vaguely Moriarty-ish in appearance, but only Robert was able to make it work. "Make Sartorio look like a younger Cleatle," I told him, and he nailed that as well, with a spot-on illustration of the gaunt, pallid sorcerer. His other boards were nicely understated without being dull; a very different style from Zenith, but a very suitable one to the somewhat darker atmosphere of the file.

But then, another difficulty arose. Due to other obligations, Kracken was unable to work on the fourth disk. However, with his usual helpfulness, Zenith stepped forward to replace her. His graphics for disk four lived up to his usual standard, complete with some excellent added animation on a crucial scene, and ESP was finished.

I know it's clichèd, but folks, I couldn't have done it without you.
---------
General strategy:


Inventory puzzle sequences:

1. YOU CAN TAKE IT WITH YOU: If it isn't locked, chained, nailed, or glued down, take it. It could be useful. Also, even though you will, as an adventure gamer, try to take whatever you see, don't assume you can see whatever you take.

2. BE A FUN-LOVING CRIMINAL: Do the silly thing - it might very well work, and don't let trifling matters of "legality" and "ethics" slow you down. Cleatle may appear nervous, but he is far bolder than his manner suggests. This also ties into the previous rule.

3. SAVE. JUST DO IT: Save, save, save. You won't die all that often, most likely, but you might want to go over a previous dialogue or scene for something you missed or have forgotten. There's usually nothing too vital there, but you never know.

4. BE ALERT. THE WORLD NEEDS MORE - oh, you've heard that one...: Read dialogue carefully, especially where I appear to be underlining the presence of a clue. Listen to Cleatle and Burns. They often have good ideas of what to do next.

5. KIRK TO ENTERPRISE: Talk to people, and keep in contact with Protest Party HQ when the option is available. You may or may not hear anything useful, but it's always worth a shot.


Action sequences:

1. SAVE BEFORE ENTRY: You might not get a chance to save during the sequence.

2. WATCH THAT HEALTH!: It's a very precious commodity.

3. LOCK AND LOAD: When you're given ammunition for an action sequence, you don't need to save any for later boards. Fire at will.

(WiL screams and runs.)

However, you might want to save a few bullets for possible surprises or puzzles near the end of the sequence.

4. KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU: Opponents will sometimes give you an opportunity for the use of strategy in addition to, or in lieu of, brute force. This can make your life easier.

---------

Hints:

Please, don't use these until you've given the puzzles your best shot.

(Hints go from least to most specific.)


Disk one:


Chapter 1:


Q: Okay, so what do I have to do in chapter 1?

A: 1. Get the hairball ballot scanned.


Q: I've played the game before, and it won't let me do something I know I have to do!

A: 1. Does your character have any reason to do it at this point? You need to hit certain event triggers to make different actions possible.


Q: What is the answer to Phoebe's riddle?

A: 1. Hmm... the first word is "RED," judging by the first line...

2. And the second begins with H and ends with G.

3. RED HERRING. There are several of these fake hints in the file, just to remind you not to read ahead, and help lower the odds of you stumbling on a plot point in advance.


Q: Phoebe won't let me go past the door to the office
area!

A: 1. Have you tried talking to her?


Q: Mr. Edwards won't scan my ballot.

A: 1. Hmm... You'll have to do it yourself.

2. But you'll need to get him out of his office for that.


Q: How do I get Edwards to leave his office?

A: 1. Hmm. His phone's out of order, so that's out of the question...

2. He gave you his e-mail address, didn't he?

3. Perhaps if you sent him an e-mail from the computer in his boss's office ordering him to leave...


Q: How do I get to Edwards' boss's computer?

A: 1. You can't get to the back area of City Hall through the front door - at least not yet.

2. You'll need to use the vent on the side on the building.


Q: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

A: 1. Poe wrote on both.


Q: Why can't I do anything with the vent?

A: 1. Do you have a reason to yet?

2. Have you talked to Mr. Edwards?


Q: How can I reach the vent?

A: 1. You'll need a ladder.

2. The painter is standing on one.


Q: How do I get the ladder from the painter?

A: 1. Talk to him, and find out what he needs. You can't do this until you've tried to reach the vent.

2. You need some way to extend the roller, as well as some way of convincing him that you'll return the ladder.


Q: How do I extend the roller?

A: 1. You need something long, round, and hollow.

2. Like the pipe in the alley.


Q: How do I prove that I'll return the ladder?

A: 1. Well, if you could give him something valuable to keep until you return the ladder, that would convince him. You wouldn't steal the ladder in that case, as you would want your item back.

2. But you don't have anything valuable IN ITSELF.

3. Pick up the dropped car keys in the street and offer them to him. He doesn't know they aren't yours.


Q: I can't make a deal for the ladder!

A: 1. Have you tried to reach the vent?

2. Cleatle won't ask for the ladder unless he has a reason to, so you need to touch the vent.


Q: I can't use the ladder with the transient watching!

A: 1. You'll need to get him to leave.

2. Talk to him a few times. He hasn't had anything to eat?

3. Offer him the sandwich from the bus bench.


Q: The vent is screwed shut. How can I remove the cover?

A: 1. Do you have anything that could act as a flathead screwdriver?

2. Use the coin from the coin return of the telephone in the street area.


Q: Why doesn't Cleatle want to break in?

A: 1. Have you talked to Mr. Edwards yet?

2. You should, first.


Q: Where can I find a red key?

A: 1. Get rid of the ruffians in the alley.

2. You need the invincibility triangle to have a chance of beating them.

3. Charge them quickly once you have the triangle.

4. And stop reading ahead in the hint file.


Q: How do I get into Shapiro's office without getting caught?

A: 1. You'll need to get him out of there.

2. A phone call would do the trick.

3. You'll need his number, though.

4. Talk to Phoebe to obtain his number. You can only do this after finding out his name from his door plate.

5. Then, go out to the phone and use the coin on it. That should do the trick.


Q: What's the password to Ed's computer?

A: 1. Try looking at the bookcase (the one with the cyan glass panel covering it.)

2. See that riddle?

3. What does a conductor beat?

4. And what beats everybody in the end?

5. The answer is UJNF. That is, that's the answer with each letter shifted forward one place in the alphabet. I don't want any casual readers of this file to accidentally see those big capital letters and have the riddle given away.


Q: How do I scan the ballot?

A: 1. When you've entered the correct password, you can use the napkin with the ballot on the computer.


Q: What do I do after scanning the ballot?

A: 1. Go back and talk to Jansen.


Chapter 2:


Q: What do I say to Sartorio?

A: 1. First, complete the code phrase. Remember the note?

2. Whatever will be, will be.

3. Then tell him that the silencer is broken.


Q: This arcade sequence is too difficult.

A: 1. Use one of the aids provided, or cheat using ?+health, if you absolutely must.


Q: I don't have enough ammo.

A: 1. You can also punch out the enemies. This is sort of dangerous, though.

2. But very satisfying. However, you do need a few bullets for the end of the sequence.


Q: How do I get rid of the sorcerer on the lower left?

A: 1. Well, you could shoot him twice...

2. Or punch him out.

3. It helps to charge him before he starts shooting and fire rapidly.

4. If you're too late, just get in his line of fire and keep shooting. This way takes ammo, though. Be sure to save some.

5. Whatever you do, kill him before you move on. He'll sneak up behind you.


Q: How do I stop that fireball machine?

A: 1. Either shoot it...

2. Or turn it off manually by touching it.


Q: How do I get rid of the sorcerer in the lower right?

A: 1. Shoot him, or punch him.


Q: How do I deal with the top sorcerer?

A: 1. Shoot him three times, or punch him. He takes multiple punches to down. Don't forget to search him.

2. You might want to retreat back through the barricade and take shots at him through the gap. You'll have more room to maneuver that way.


Q: How do I deal with the tire fiend?

A: 1. Wait a bit.


Q: How do I deal with Jay Lemonhead?

A: 1. Unplug the... play Code Red.


Q: How do I turn off the steam?

A: 1. You need to turn off the valve, which requires a valve key.

2. The top sorcerer has the key.


Q: What about the glowing air and rune?

A: 1. There are two answers...

2. Method one: Push a boulder onto the trap.

3. Method two: Shoot it a bit to set it off. Prepare to run from a fireball.


Q: Agh. More dobermans.

A: 1. No, they're Rottweilers. That said, you can just shoot them. Incidentally, one of them is harmless.


Q: How do I lower the ladder?

A: 1. Shoot the chain.


Q: How do I open the padlock?

A: 1. Brute force.

2. Shoot it.


Q: The top mage died and blocked the passage!

A: 1. Touch him a few times, and he'll vanish.


Q: A boulder blocked off the valve.

A: 1. Either ?zap it or restore.


Q: The music stopped.

A: 1. Either you lost or some sound interrupted it. Restore in the first case, play as usual in the second.


Q: Why do trumpets blare in the next scene even though I picked "no time limit"? For that matter, why is there a march at all? I thought the music stopped.

A: 1. Picky, picky, picky. They're tuning up.

- But the show already started!

2. Don't interrupt! The orchestra's doing a practice run - it's intermission.

- But the March is before the end of Act One!

3. They had an early intermission.

- THAT early?

4. Yes, that early. 

- You just didn't want to mess with another flag, did you?

5. No, I didn't. Satisfied?


Chapter 3:


Q: What do I have to do in this chapter?

A: 1. You have to get the hairball ballot passed.

2. Which means that you'll need to hypnotize Octinar.

3. And that requires an antique pocketwatch with a fob, a chant, and a way of making your voice slow and deep.


Q: How do I deal with the witch?

A: 1. Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz?

2. Specifically, the ending?

3. "I'm melting! I'm melting!" Witches and water don't mix.

4. Spray her with the bottle of water.


Q: Octinar won't let me have his water bottle.

A: 1. You'll need to fix the thermostat for him.


Q: How do I fix the thermostat?

A: 1. Well, first, you'll have to open it up and see what's wrong.

2. Then, you'll have to fix the faulty connection and reset it.


Q: How do I fix the faulty connection?

A: 1. Do you have something that conducts electricity?

2. Like aluminum foil?


Q: Where can I find a replacement fuse?

A: 1. Did you look closely at Octinar?

2. Listen carefully to his modes of speech.

3. He's actually a robot. Open his head with the screwdriver and get the fuse.

4. And stop reading ahead in the hints.


Q: How do I reset the thermostat?

A: 1. You'll need something small and thin to push the recessed button... do you have anything that has a small tip?

2. Use the pen.


Q: How do I make my voice deep and calm?

A: 1. You'll have to slow it down.

2. You'll need a tape recorder that can play at multiple speeds. Not a tape PLAYER, mind you, but a tape RECORDER.


Q: Octinar is trying to kill me!

A: 1. Oh, well, that's too bad for you, I guess.

2. It's not a hard puzzle. Figure it out yourself.

3. But that sure doesn't sound like Octinar to me.


Q: Where do I get a tape recorder?

A: 1. Go to the Gilbert and Sullivan Society meeting. See that tape recorder on the table? You need it.


Q: How do I get the tape recorder from the G&S fanatics?

A: 1. Well, you'll have to distract them, first of all, so that you can grab it.

2. Anything potentially distracting in the room?

3. Go over to the audio equipment on the right and find the controls. Use them.

4. Oh, they're still noticing the missing recorder? You'll have to find something to replace it with.

5. Switch it with the tape player.


Q: "Koala tea?"

A: 1. "The quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven." - The Merchant of Venice, William Shakespeare.

2. Yes, I know it was a bad joke.


Q: Where can I find a tape player?

A: 1. From Monty at the information desk.


Q: How do I pay for the tape player rental?

A: 1. You'll need spare change. A lot of it.

2. Search the fountain and loot it, then give Monty the money.


Q: How do I keep from falling in the fountain?

A: 1. Just swallow your pride and do it.


Q: Where can I find a pocketwatch? Who uses those anymore?

A: 1. Perhaps a Victorian gentleman?

2. Or somebody dressed as one?

3. The man dressed as John Wellington Wells has a pocketwatch.


Q: How do I get into the meeting room with the Protest Party members?

A: 1. You don't have to.


Q: How do I get into the ESP convention?

A: 1. You need to disguise yourself as a sorcerer.

2. Octinar has a robe, but he probably wouldn't hand it over willingly.

3. To get Octinar's robe, you must hit him over the head with a pineapple.


Q: Where do I get a pineapple?

A: 1. Play "Nothing Constructive."


Q: How do I get the pocketwatch from Wells?

A: 1. You'll need to give him a reason to give it to you.

2. It's broken, but you can still hypnotize somebody with it.

3. But it isn't any use to Wells in its current state.

4. Perhaps if you convinced him that you could fix it.

5. Or that you were a watch repairman.

6. That is, that you specialized in watch repair.

7.        /I
      W  /-I  T  C  H

      R  E  P  A  I  R.

8. Use the pen on the WITCH EPA business cards sitting on the table in the central area. Present Wells with a card.


Q: Where can I find a chant?

A: 1. Have you talked to Monty? He has an issue of "Popular Hypnosis."


Q: How do I get the magazine from Monty?

A: 1. He says he has nothing else to do. He's bored.

2. You need to give him some means of entertainment.

3. Like the Tame Toy in the Lost and Found Bin.


Q: Okay, I have a tape recorder, a pocketwatch, and a magazine with a chant. Now what?

A: 1. Use one of the three on Octinar.


Q: I have all three items, but I can't use them on Octinar!

A: 1. You need a tape recorder, not just a tape player. Is that the problem?


Q: What do I do about the growling in the closet?

A: 1. You might as well take a look. Door's locked? Let Octinar deal with that. Just touch the door again if it doesn't open the first time.

2. Go on into the passage.


Q: What's this? A password? Does it change from game to game?

A: 1. No, this isn't like Code Red's system. The password is always the same.

___________

Disk Two:


Q: I really, really hate these RPG battles.

A: 1. Don't worry, this one's based on wit, not luck. Read the instructions carefully.


Q: How do I escape from the Ice Cage?

A: 1. Do you have anything specifically designed for that purpose?

2. Something to warm up the crowd?

3. To break the ice? Check the instructions again...

4. Use the jumping rubber bands trick.


Q: Ow! I got hit by a mind bolt!

A: 1. It's only one hit point. Grin and bear it.


Q: How do I get rid of the LAG demon?

A: 1. Oh, dear. You shouldn't have summoned it, even by accident.

2. Try exiting DiscMUD and playing ESP.


Q: I'm getting killed by crushing, thorny vines.

A: 1. So, you're being crushed by woody herbiage. What to do...

2. Try using the saw-and-restore trick.


Q: These Strangling Chains are killing me!

A: 1. Then get out of them. Unlink them, or something.

2. Do you have anything to link and unlink a chain?

3. A chain is composed of multiple rings. If you could unlink two of them...

4. Use the Chinese Linking Rings trick.


Q: Oh, no! A heat-seeking fireball!

A: 1. So?


Q: I keep getting hypnotized.

A: 1. Hmm... the thing tries to look into your eyes.

2. Try closing yours. Read the instructions to the battle carefully.

3. Use the mind-reading trick.


Q: Agh. Demonic three-headed doberman.

A: 1. His name is Cerberus, and he's not a doberman. He is, however, a hound.

2. Meaning that he hunts.

3. He doesn't stick around very long. If you could just distract him...

4. Pull a rabbit out of your hat.


Q: I'm stuck in a web! What can I do?

A: 1. Good question. What CAN you do?


Chapter 4:


Q: Okay, I'm at the wall of Sweeneyland. What do I do?

A: 1. Look through your PDA. Read the information within carefully.

2. When you're done, choose "Shut down," then "Yes."


Q: How do I get my gun back?

A: 1. Well, you could try swinging the rope and grapnel through the grate and hooking it...

2. ... but the darts are ruined, anyway. Don't bother.


Q: How do I get rid of the centipedes?

A: 1. You don't. Just dodge them. If you want, you can get rid of two segments by using up your health, but this method is sort of counterproductive.

2. Although the centipedes might disagree.


Q: How does a centipede GLARE?

A: 1. Very effectively.


Q: Cyroq Ohms and Dr. Watt are waiting outside to shoot me. What can I do about them?

A: 1. Absolutely nothing, at this point.


Q: How do I get off Centipede Island?

A: 1. Did you listen carefully to what Ohms and Watt-san said?

2. Particularly the part about the boat dock?

3. The boat dock is in the lower left of the screen. You need to open the gate and take a boat out.


Q: How do I open the gate?

A: 1. You could try using the rope and grapnel on it... no, that didn't work.

2. You need to split open the lock casing by wedging something into the crack and hammering it in. Then, you must flip the latch.


Q: How do I open the lock casing?

A: 1. Grab the fallen ornament and the flat rock (in the upper right quadrant of the screen).

2. Put the ornament in the crack. There's your chisel.

3. Hammer in the ornament with the rock.


Q: How do I flip the latch?

A: 1. You need something flat and thin, like a credit card.

2. Or a laminated piece of paper. (Remember the equipment portion of the briefing?)

3. Use the map.


Q: How do I keep Cyroq Ohms from shooting me?

A: 1. You need to do two things. Jansen and Hal might have a few suggestions to offer. To contact Jansen, use your communicator.

2. You must fake your death and hide before he comes.


Q: Where is the diving equipment?

A: 1. Try touching everything...

2. ... in another game.


Q: How do I fake my death?

A: 1. Hmm... that skeleton in the water is pretty suggestive.

2. Maybe you could plant some piece of evidence on it and convince Ohms that you met an unfortunate end.

3. If you're still grappling with the problem, check your inventory.

4. Use the grappling hook on the skeleton.


Q: Where do I hide?

A: 1. Behind a bush. Go through the gap in the fence, to the right of where you clambered ashore.


Q: Ohms is gone... now what?

A: 1. Did you listen carefully to his conversation with Watt-san?

2. You need to get into the funhouse in Trippyville.


Q: I can't enter most of the attractions!

A: 1. That's right. You only need to visit a few.


Q: How do I open the Trippyville gates?

A: 1. You need a key. According to the P. A. announcement, somebody lost a key on the bottom floor of the Dungeon Crawl.

2. Once you have the key, just touch one of the gates.


Q: Where can I find gems for the games?

A: 1. You don't need to play them.


Q: Burns won't enter the Dungeon Crawl.

A: 1. She needs a weapon. Did you read the sign carefully?

2. She needs a Genuine Captain Iridium Laser Pistol.


Q: How do I get a sniper rifle?

A: 1. There's one on the ledge by the Funhouse teleporter.

2. Combined with the quadruple damage powerup, it is quite deadly.

3. But please don't camp by a spawn point. It's bad manners.


Q: Where's the Laser Pistol?

A: 1. It's in a gift shop in Tomorrowville, behind a glass counter.


Q: I can't figure out the locking mechanism in the gift shop!

A: 1. Complicated, isn't it?

2. There must be an easier way, right?

3. Brute force can be effective at times like this.

4. Break the case with the rock.


Q: How do I get through the first floor of the Dungeon Crawl?

A: 1. Just get to the southeast exit. This is easier said than done, of course. You might not want to get into combat if you don't have to. But you'll probably have to. Don't hesitate to use the cheat option.

2. And you should just ignore the chests.

3. If you want, you can try luring the enemies into the reflector room, leaving, and closing the door behind you. But it's probably not worth the trouble, save with the last enemy.

4. Don't forget to pick up the healing potions. A bit of health couldn't hurt.

5. The answer to the riddle is a separate question, addressed below.


Q: What is the answer to the riddle on the door?

A: 1. Something that doesn't stop working until you die.

2. Something with four rooms - or chambers.

3. The answer is IFBSU. Well, that's the answer with each letter shifted up one position in the alphabet. I don't want you to accidentally read it if you aren't looking for this hint.


Q: How do I beat Phu'uzel?

A: 1. Either fight him normally...

2. ... or turn him off...

3. ... or run right past him, out of the room.


Q: How do I get the vault door open?

A: 1. You need to get the items the robot wants.

2. The Benchmarking Software that Actually Works can be found in the Workplace of Tomorrow.

3. The diamond bigger than the Cullinan can be found in Tomorrowville, as well.


Q: I can't find a giant diamond!

A: 1. Remember, you don't have to BRING it to the robot. You just need to SHOW it to the robot.

2. So a photo will do.

3. You won't find any photographs of giant gems.

4. But there IS a photograph of a diamond with four corners.

5. Did you read Phantis' description on the PDA? It was a bit of a hint for non-American players.

6. A baseball diamond.

7. Show the Quest Engine the pack of baseball cards. It has a picture of a stadium on the front, remember?


Q: The computer has challenged me to a game of chess! How do I beat it?

A: 1. Make heavy use of the UNDO function.

2. When the cutscene is over, you'll be placed in a tough position.

3. A queen sacrifice is necessary.

4. Oh, and congratulations for programming all of this into the game. _I_ certainly didn't put it there.


Q: I've found a Universal Benchmark... now what?

A: 1. Just show it to the Quest Engine. Use it on him/her/it.


Q: What's the keycode for the Network Hub?

A: 1. There's a clue nearby.

2. Check the computer at the reception desk.

3. In particular, read the second e-mail closely.

4. If there is a leading zero, and the code is four digits long (experimentation will reveal that), then it is in the format 0XYZ.

5. Never mind about the primeness. Concentrate on what you get when you add one to each digit.

6. Try working backwards. Add 1 to 0 to obtain the first number in the doubling series.

7. The series is 1, 2, 4, 8.

8. The code is therefore 0137.


Q: Should I use the microphone?

A: 1. Yes, but SAVE FIRST.


Q: What is JASON'S Hangman word?

A: 1. It's related to computers.

2. UFSNJOBM. (Shift each letter down one position in the alphabet for the answer. I wouldn't want casual glancers to accidentally stumble on it.)


Q: What word should I use?

A: 1. You COULD just save and restore until you found the right one... but that would be cheating.

2. If you saved before the conversation, as I suggested, you might want to restore now, and read it very carefully.

3. Remember, JASON can only speak the literal truth.

4. "Afraid is not part of my vocabulary."


Q: What can I get out of the vault?

A: 1. Unless you're looking for party favors, the only thing of interest there is the keyring in one of the pigeonholes.


Q: So, what does this key open? What should I do now?

A: 1. Remember your original objective?

2. Remember the conversation you overheard between Ohms and Watt-san?

3. Remember the PA announcement?

4. Open the Trippyville gates and go to the Funhouse.


________

Disk Three:


Q: Ohms and Watt-san keep winning the bowling match!

A: 1. Well, you have only one shot at winning in the last frame. You need to get three strikes in a row, and keep Ohms from knocking down ANY pins.

2. Getting three strikes requires a bit of practice...

3. As for stopping Ohms? Well, remember what happened during Octinar's turn? Turnabout is fair play.

4. You need to distract Ohms.

5. Try dropping something, or firing the laser pistol just as Ohms is about to roll the ball. The game isn't too choosy about timing; just fire as soon as Ohms forms his fireball, and he'll be distracted. Just don't wait until the ball is out of his hands!


Chapter 5 (Cleatle):


Q: The Reaper Things keep killing me!

A: 1. You need to get out the window and down the fire escape.

2. That requires a little work, however.

3. You can try to buy some time - see below.


Q: Is there any way to increase the time limit?

A: 1. You can try barricading the door.

2. You could wedge something under the doorknob.

3. Like a chair.


Q: How do I get rid of the ESP guard?

A: 1. He's right below you.

2. Velocity = Acceleration * Time. It takes some time for an object to fall five stories. That's a lot of speed.

3. Momentum = Mass * Velocity. A reasonably massive object could do serious damage to anybody standing below. Pity you don't have an anvil.

4. A television set could work, though. Use it when you're standing directly over the guard.


Q: I keep getting caught in the alley beside the hotel!

A: 1. Well, you should disguise yourself as the guard, and you need to hide his body.

2. There's an alternative solution, but you can find it for yourself...


Q: How do I disguise myself?

A: 1. TOUCH the unconscious guard to get his robe and pick him up.


Q: How do I hide the body?

A: 1. Toss it in the dumpster.


Q: How do I get Falstaff out of the dumpster?

A: 1. Shame on you. Assuming that simply because he has no home, he lives in a dirty old dumpster by a hotel.

2. He lives in a much classier dumpster on 112 Jellicoe Lane.


Q: So I'm going to face down a horde of evil sorcerers alone, unarmed, and without any real means of emergency communication?

A: 1. Yes. You should probably try to find some backup as soon as possible.


Q: What should I do when I reach the hotel?

A: 1. First, go upstairs to your room to look for Jansen.


Q: How do I get into the projector room?

A: 1. You can't. You need the key, and the Reaper Keeper has it.


Q: Where is the Reaper Keeper?

A: 1. Upstairs, near your room.


Q: Can I trust Octinar?

A: 1. Do you have a choice?


Q: How do I get rid of the counter guard?

A: 1. You don't.


Q: How do I dehypnotize the Reaper Keeper?

A: 1. You need to give the antidote to him.

2. But he won't take it if you don't disguise it.

3. And you must get rid of the sorcerer guarding him, or he'll keep you from giving the Reaper Keeper the antidote.


Q: How do I disguise the antidote?

A: 1. The Reaper Keeper's guard mentions the heat.

2. Perhaps a refreshing soft drink would go down well with the Reaper Keeper.

3. A can of Hexi Cola, for example. Use the Hexi Cola on the antidote in Cleatle's room.


Q: How do I buy the Hexi Cola?

A: 1. Put a dollar in the vending machine.


Q: Where can I find a dollar?

A: 1. Look by a stool in the lobby.


Q: The vending machine won't take my dollar!

A: 1. It's too crumpled. Try to find a way to deal with that.

2. Have you searched your hotel room thoroughly?

3. There's an iron in the closet. Use the crumpled bill on the iron.


Q: How do I get my quarter back?

A: 1. Negotiate with his sports agent.


Q: A guard won't let me administer the antidote to the Reaper Keeper.

A: 1. You need to distract the guard. Get him out of the room somehow.

2. Making a disturbance downstairs won't budge him. The distraction has to occur upstairs, and it has to draw his attention when he is inside the room.

3. A small river flowing under his door would serve pretty well. Use the fire hose.


Q: How do I get into the box with the fire hose?

A: 1. You need to remove the bolts.

2. Use the wrench on the box.


Q: Where can I get a wrench?

A: 1. Search the projector room.


Q: I can't break into the fire hose box with a Reaper Thing watching me. How do I get rid of it?

A: 1. Brute force works well. It doesn't know who you are, so you can get pretty close. In fact, you can get right behind it.

2. Knock it out with the wrench.


Q: How do I shut off the fire alarm?

A: 1. You need to cut the wiring. Search the walls for an electrical panel.

2. That's right. Search every wall you can get to. You have to touch them three times per section to be really sure.

3. You did that? Good. Now stop falling for these fake hints.


Q: What should I do with the Reaper Thing's body?

A: 1. Stow it somewhere. There are no less than four places for this.

2. You can use the upstairs broom closet, you can toss it in the bathtub in your room, or you can toss it down the laundry chute in your room's closet. Any of these techniques works equally well.

3. But don't throw it out the window.


Q: Where do I use the fire hose?

A: 1. On the door of the room where the Reaper Keeper is being kept. Make sure to hide in the closet as soon as you turn on the hose.


Q: Cleatle says he doesn't need a distraction yet.

A: 1. He needs a good reason to turn on the hose. Believe it or not, this is for the player's protection. Once the hose is on, you can't go back downstairs or into your room, so you might miss an item you need.

2. Use the antidote preparation on the Reaper Keeper, and the guard will keep you from administering it. That gives Cleatle a reason to get the guard out of the room.

3. Note: This reason will occur to Cleatle without your intervention if you wait inside the room for a bit with the antidote in your inventory. It probably won't even be necessary to use the antidote on the Keeper unsuccessfully.


Q: How do I keep Nyarlethole from killing Octinar?

A: 1. You need to put out his fire shield, then cause him to lose his concentration.


Q: How do I put out Nyarlethole's fire shield?

A: 1. Remember that fire hose? Grab it.


Q: How do I distract Nyarlethole?

A: 1. Did you examine the air purifier earlier?

2. Did you note what was on the dresser?

3. Nyarlethole has severe allergies.

4. Dust could cause him some major problems. Grab the dust filter from the air purifier. You just need to find a way to scatter the dust effectively.

5. Hold it over the fan.


Q: How do I prevent Nyarlethole from releasing Variety 57, the Death Bug?

A: 1. You need to chase him down and shut off the blower.


Q: How long do I have to stop Nyarlethole?

1. When you reach the basement, you have until the blower pressure reaches FULL.


Q: How do I get rid of the spider?

A: 1. Did you read its description carefully?

2. It's clumsy and can hardly breathe.

3. There's a trick people sometimes use to get rid of ticks. They pour oil on the ticks until they suffocate.

4. If you could coat the spider's book lungs in a layer of oil, or something similarly greasy, it would die.

5. Grab the bucket of oil soap and throw oil at the spider. (Use the shooting keys to do this.)


Q: What do I do if I run out of soap?

A: 1. Try refilling it from the drum near where you picked up the bucket.


Q: Cleatle isn't a very good boxer.

A: 1. No, he isn't. You need a weapon.


Q: Where can I find a weapon to use on Nyarlethole?

A: 1. You actually need two weapons. Three, if you count your fists.

2. And you have to use them in the right order.

3. First, use the wrench on Nyarlethole. That should get you started.


Q: How do I keep the spider from dodging the shovel?

A: 1. You need to move faster.

2. It helps to think that reality and time are illusions, and that you can move _between_ moments. There is no spoon.

3. Did you watch the DVD of "The Matrix" when you were upstairs? I hope so!

4. Did you get the dead fish from the dumpster? HOPE YOU SAVED, SUCKER!

5. Go into "Slow Time," throw the fish at the spider to distract it, then, when the spider is turning its head in slow motion, hit its weak spot with the shovel.


Q: The wrench didn't work. Now what?

A: 1. It didn't work as you expected... but...

2. It was wrapped around your fist, like a weighted boxing glove.

3. Punch Nyarlethole with the wrench on your fist.


Q: My fist is injured and the wrench is gone. Now what?

A: 1. You need one more weapon. Something with a bit of bite.

2. Like the spider's fangs. Of course, the spider won't let you remove its fangs when it's alive, so you have to kill it first.


Q: How do I get a fang from the spider?

A: 1. You can't pull it out by hand. Some primitive arachnodentistry is needed here.

2. Use the wrench.


Q: When I try to stab Nyarlethole with the fang, he dodges it!

A: 1. He's very alert, and it's a very clumsy weapon. Perhaps it would help to make him a little punch-drunk first.

2. You need to hit Nyarlethole with a lot of force to get him dizzy enough to get jabbed with the fang.

3. Barefisted fighting won't work. See the hints above.


Q: Nyarlethole turned me into a pumpkin! Now what do I do?

A: 1. Well, if you get some simple cosmetic surgery done, you could enjoy a profitable career as a Jack-o'-Lantern.

2. And, even in that case, you'd still have more stuffing in your head than the people who read hints they don't need.

____
Disk Four:


Chapter Five (Burns):


Q: How do I get to the rest of the funhouse?

A: 1. You need a ticket. The locked ticket booth has a box of them.

2. Kill the vacuum and plant robots to get the blue and cyan keys, then grab a ticket and put it in the door slot.


Q: How do I get rid of the plant?

A: 1. The easiest way to do it is to move out of the way of the vacuum's initial volley, letting it shoot the plant. That should weaken it.

2. Then you can either hide in the booth and let the vacuum take care of it, or just shoot it yourself.


Q: How do I get rid of the vacuum?

A: 1. You can try to touch it and tip it over, although there's an element of risk there.

2. A better method would be to corner it between the wall of the ticket booth and the north wall and shoot a steady stream of shots at it. If you shoot enough, it won't be able to get a shot in, and you can kill easily.


Q: I'm in the base. Now what?

A: 1. Shut off the four OBERON blowers.


Q: Where can I find a keycard for the control panel?

A: 1. You can't.


Q: How do I survive the furnace room?

A: 1. You need quick reflexes to stop the fireballs.

2. Expect to take some damage. A few of the fireballs are practically unavoidable, as they come in pairs every so often.

3. The sequence is not randomized, so you could, in theory, memorize where the fireballs come from.

4. Try starting out by aiming left immediately.

5. Cheap trick: If necessary, save whenever you block some fireballs and restore when you take too many hits.

6: REALLY cheap trick: Try tapping a direction key quickly and repeatedly. If you're fast enough, you'll prevent Burns from relaying the ":shot" message to the health meter, and will not lose any health when the fireballs hit you. There is, however, a chance that this will freeze the end of the scene and keep you from moving on.


Q: How do I get to the blower in the vent room?

A: 1. First, turn off the valve (*) on the lower right. That shuts off some of the steam.

2. Then climb up to the upper right and flip the wall switch. This opens a grating.

3. Finally, jump up to the platform on the upper left and disable the blower. The jump might be tricky due to the fan on the left.


Q: How do I get through the hyrdraulics room?

A: 1. Just dodge the pistons.

2. One way to do so is to wait for the downstroke, then walk directly into the piston while it's still down. Keep pushing the direction key, and you will walk through immediately when it rises. Be careful to stop before the next piston.


Q: How do I get through the monument chamber?

A: 1. Timing is everything. If you need to stop to save or rest, duck to the far north or south wall. The statue on the far end of the chamber doesn't shoot into those alcoves.

2. To get past each chamber, try walking on the wall opposite the one that bears two carvings rather than one. This will give you warning time, but you must be careful not to be shot by the carving next to you.


Q: How do I defeat Sartorio?

A: 1. Watch both crosshairs, and ignore the health meters. Aim and time your shots carefully. Be careful not to shoot when your laser is unpowered

2. Sartorio is easier to hit when he's against a wall or the plane.

3. Be persistent, and duck frequently.

_______
Have you tried...: (SAVE FIRST)

These suggestions should only be read after completing the game, and are meant to be used when replaying the game, possibly to see both versions of the fifth chapter.

1) Slowing down the sound the game makes when you pick up an object? It plays the first seven notes of "I'm Called Little Buttercup."

2) Using the pipe on everything - especially the car and Mr. Edwards?

3) Examining Shapiro's chair twice?

4) Bothering Jansen?

5) Using the napkin on Phoebe?

6) Examining the fire hydrant(s) multiple times?

7) Examining the closet door in Shapiro's office?

8) Telling Sartorio that you have the silencer?

9) Using the "Kill all enemies" or "no time limit" option for chapter two?

10) Trying to face the top mage without defeating the one on the lower left?

11) Listening to the entire march?

12) Talking to Aline and Alexis multiple times?

13) Examining the owl multiple times?

14) Examining all of the pots and objects in the conference room?

15) Using the pen on Wells?

16) Letting the Gaunt Thing hypnotize you?

17) Looking VERY closely at the "Meanwhile, in Maryland" marquee?

18) Using the rope and grapnel on the gate and/or the large rock?

19) Examining the chair in the Workplace of Tomorrow reception area?

20) Finding all three ways of getting past Phu'uzel?

21) Using the television on the bath in the hotel room?

22) Discovering how to get out of the alley near the hotel WITHOUT disguising yourself?

23) Rocking the soda machine?

24) Throwing the Reaper Thing's body out the window?

25) Finding all three ways to dispose of the Reaper Thing's body safely?

26) Disturbing the guard while he is trying to turn off the hose?

27) Looking at the placards near the statues in the carving room?

28) Reading the fake hints scattered through this text file?

___
Cut songs, sequences, and other stuff:

[READ ONLY AFTER COMPLETING ESP.]

At four files, ESP is a fairly bloated game. That said, there were quite a few things that were cut in addition to the endless dialogue trimming, including several songs and an alternate ending.

Songs:

At one point, I faced a difficult decision: should ESP be a musical? I decided to implement a "musical mode," but changed my mind due to the board size limits and the difficulties inherent in music composition. Here are the remains of the ESP that could have been.

___
"What's this about?" (to the tune of "Whenever I poke sarcastic joke," Gilbert and Sullivan)

This song was originally sung by Cynthia Burns in the introduction. Originally, when Burns interrupted the supposedly aside discussion between Jansen, Johnson, and Cleatle, the trio broke into song. I went as far as to code it into the game and set it to the appropriate music, but filesize considerations prevented it from making the final cut. It also seemed sort of incongruous, and not all that funny.

Cynthia Burns:
 What's this about? You KNOCKED HIM OUT?

Cleatle:
  He didn't seem to mind it.

Jansen:
 We often sue, and when we do,
  We throw our weight behind it!

Burns:
 And yet you've shown you can atone.

Cleatle:
  This shant be painful, shall it?

Jansen:
 That napkin grants our only chance;
  We must push through your ballot!

   If you don't get that ballot in,
   An ugly lawsuit we will begin.
    Though a moot point that might well be,
    If Protest's defeated by ESP!

All:
    Yes, a moot point that might well be,
    If Protest's defeated by ESP!

Jansen:
 For, if we lose, they might well choose
  To lethally inject us.

Cleatle: 
 Because those guys can hypnotize,
  Due process won't protect us!

Burns:
  So we must win to save our skin,

Cleatle:
   And I to save my earnings.

Jansen:
  Now one decries the sad demise
   Of publicized witch burnings!

(Sketches a little drawing of an electric chair.)
   But, if we manage to slip by,
   Dear Nyarlethole is going to fry!
    It's not about revenge, of course,
    It's really a sort of deterring force.

All:
    No, no, it's not revenge, of course!
    It's really more of a deterring force!

___

"Rederring Civic Anthem" (Music, lyrics by John W. Wells)

This was originally going to be used to begin the ballot meeting in chapter three. Alas, board size did not permit it - and I even had all the music written!

We sing you now of Rederring,
An Eden ever fair,
Its children ever bettering
The land with constant care.
Sing praise of it, each lad and girl,
Of Rederring the great,
Ah, Rederring! Oh, finest pearl
Of the Interstate!

The finest sight that e'er was seen
Is Rederring in May,
Thy grass is black, thy streets are green,
Thy sky a dapple grey!
And e'en at night, thy waters shine,
(Indeed, they phosphoresce!)
Oh, Rederring, oh city mine,
Chance and chaos bless!

Cleatle: Do we have to sing the third verse?

Octinar: It IS traditional.

(Resuming song.)

Then fiery cows in robes of green
Assailed our high estate.
Our Savior placed himself between
Ourselves and fatal Fate!
He called the thorns and scream-bent pine,
And went forth as a dove -
Oh Rederring! oh, city mine!
Beacon of my love! 
___

"Waltz into the Shadows" (Lyrics by John W. Wells)

This was meant to originally be a substitute for Cleatle's inspirational speech in chapter 5. Why did I cut it?

1) I couldn't think of good music.

2) It's not very funny without good music. The joke was supposed to hinge upon the shifts between the inspiring martial tune of the main verses to the waltz theme for the chorus.

Cleatle:

The universe is mindless, cold and bleak.
It does not know our pain, and does not care.
 We scream in rage and fear
 Unto the storm, like Lear,
And try to light a candle, if we dare.

Our Science is this candle in the dark.
Our Reason is this pearl in the void -
 And yet, you sit and wait,
 Content to merely _hate_,
When all you know and love will be destroyed!


[chorus - shift to a bouncy, lilting waltz]

Waltz forth through the shadows -
 They will fall behind.
Dance, dance with the darkness -
 Battle for the mind!
Waltz, waltz against evil -
 Stand for humankind.
Or our Science shall be lost -
 Man forever blind!


The shadows stole a comrade from our ranks,
A scientist, philosopher, and friend.
 Alone and blind, we grope,
 But action holds our hope:
A light to bring the darkness to an end!

We stand upon the crossroads of our race.
We fight the fiends that should have long been dead.
 Against the villain hordes,
 Our minds shall be our swords,
And we will never flinch, but stride
 ahead!

[repeat chorus]

Cleatle: So... are you with me!

(A pause.)

Cleatle: Are you with me?

(A pause.)

Cleatle: He hung up.

___

REJECTED ESP ENDING: "AND IT WAS GOOD"

Setup:

One night, when I couldn't sleep, I read G. K. Chesterton's _The Man who was Thursday_. It struck me as both hilarious and insightful. Driven by the motor of my insomnia, I decided to write a "Man who was Thursday" ending. The idea was that Burns would have a separate ending from Cleatle; two, in fact. Sartorio, disarmed by a clever ploy by Burns, would ask her a "simple question," then try to release the OBERON virus via a crop duster. Burns' answer would serve as the branch point.

Reasons for rejection:

* Incongruous in tone with the rest of the game
* Pretentious
* Derivative without being parodic
* Ironic in such a dry, yet blunt, way that the humor simply fails
_________

Sartorio: The question is simple. Are you a Secret Service agent or a Sunday School teacher?

( ^ There's the branching point. The player is given a choice of what to say. If the player chooses "Sunday School teacher", the ending begins to clunk along its merry way.)

Burns: A teacher. Everything else is behind me.

Sartorio: You aim a pistol at me. And thou shalt not kill?

(As Sartorio begins to step into the cockpit, Burns shoots his left hand. He raises his right to launch a fireball, but it falls limply to his side as a bolt of energy strikes it.)

Burns: It doesn't say "Thou shalt not maim."

(Sartorio dives under the plane and kicks at the virus compartment, trying to force a release. Burns shoots his left foot, then his right. Sartorio slumps to the ground, unconscious. Holstering her pistol, Burns moves to his side, placing her fingers on his carotid artery.)

Burns: His pulse is weak. If I don't do something, he'll die.

(There is a moment of silence. The last flickers of his pulse fade.)

Burns: I killed him.

(And a figure in black approaches Burns from behind, and places a hand on her shoulder.)

Nyarlethole: Didn't he deserve it?

Burns: One hand, then the other, then the feet... nobody deserves that. (She jumps up, shocked.) Who are you?

Nyarlethole: I am Nyarlethole.

Burns: YOU did all this.

Nyarlethole: Yes. (He slowly pulls back the hood of his robe, revealing a familiar, stolid face)

Burns: My God... Mr. Brickles.

Nyarlethole: Yes.

Burns: Why?

Nyarlethole: Because of Octinar. And Cleatle. And you. Because of countless others.

Burns: I don't see.

Nyarlethole: Octinar wasn't the only turncoat in the ESP. Of all of the members of the ESP, only one was an Evil Sorcerer. The others were all heroes, and spies, and traitors. They wanted to destroy the ESP from within, so they infiltrated it - risking their lives.

Burns: And they all fought each other?

Nyarlethole: Of course. They all believed themselves virtuous, and they all saw the others as evil. It's politics.

Burns: But people died!

Nyarlethole: Almost every death or injury you have seen has been neither a death nor an injury. Do you remember Phu'uzel?

Burns: A robot - but -

Nyarlethole: The sorcerers you fought in the alley - did you notice their predictable movements?

Burns: But that's impossible.

Nyarlethole: So are angels, now. Would you have believed it if they had halos?

Burns: Robots.

Nyarlethole: People believe in robots. I built an amusement park dedicated to a game of creation, and I staffed it with robots far beyond the technological capability of humanity. I created a computer of immense power, and talking dolphins, and slow-moving bullets, and people saw it as very clever technology. People will believe the ridiculous sooner than believe the impossible. It's one of their chief faults, and one of their most charming traits.

Burns: I...

Nyarlethole: But you always believed, somehow, that people were essentially good. And, do you know, Cyroq Ohms didn't want to kill you? He hoped to catch you, explain his double-agent status when Watt-san wasn't looking, release you, and claim you had escaped. Watt-san wished the same. Neither wished ill.

Burns: But I could have drowned, or been eaten by piranhas.

Nyarlethole: You were not drowned. You were not eaten. You were not shot. In some other universe, perhaps, you were. But in some other universe, the ESP was evil. In this one, it was an instrument of good.

Burns: How?

Nyarlethole: Nobody was hypnotized. They only thought that everybody else was hypnotized. Cels of the Protest Party, all unaware of the existence of countless other cels, contained the majority of the American population. Everybody fought for good, against an invincible foe. Nobody bombed distant countries, or slew his neighbor. Good and evil were clear. And this was not limited to America. It happened everywhere.

Burns: So... it was all... good. But how did you know that I wouldn't be eaten?

Nyarlethole: You still don't understand. Sartorio was not a robot.

Burns: But...

Nyarlethole: He was the Evil Sorcerer. It was the Evil Sorcerer's Party, not the Evil Sorcerers' Party. He suffered the hatred of all, that they might be united in a greater purpose. He died by their judgment.

(Burns slowly looks down at the body of Sartorio, and his wounded hands, and shattered feet.)

[Shot of Sartorio on floor, arms spread perpendicular to his body.]

Burns: I understand, now. You knew. (A pause) What... happens next?

Nyarlethole: You will go home, and Nyarlethole will make a public address, surrendering to the forces of good. The nation will rejoice at the narrow escape and the heroism of the plucky minority of Protesters. Nobody will admit to having been hypnotized, but nobody will believe their neighbors' claims of being in the cel next door. Everybody will support Brickles. Four years of peace will follow.)

Burns: And then what? What will they do when the term's up?

Nyarlethole: That's up to them. Return to your Party Headquarters now. You've done well.

(Burns walks away, smiling gently.)

Nyarlethole: Be sure not to walk into the Protest Party Headquarters next door by accident.

(Burns turns around.)

Burns: Another cel, right next to us, and we never knew?

Nyarlethole: Two. One on each side. Good day, Miss Burns. I'll be seeing you.

[End credits, epilogue]

___

A sample of the cut dialogue:

Initially, Octinar was supposed to perform the old "argue with the narrator and act like it's funny" routine. Aren't you glad I took the time to cut this, and a million other pointless, inane jokes, out of the game?
___

Octinar: Oh, terribly sorry. I have been ranting again.

(Neither the Gaunt Thing nor Cleatle protest. Spellbound by the Elder Mage's stunning oration, staring upon the eldritch presence, as young children do upon a large panda bear, they are -

Octinar: That is enough. Really. First of all, that was quite inane. Secondly, I'm not an Elder Mage. I currently hold a learner's permit. Finally, I am not a panda bear.

(Not even a little?)

Octinar: No, not even a little.

___

A glimpse into my twisted thought process:

[This is only for those with terminal boredom, way too much time on their hands, or a bizarre curiosity as to how exactly I came up with the surreal plot points of ESP.]

Originally, Mr. Edwards was going to be the dolphin at Sweeneyland. I had intended to make him a weredolphin who slipped into the shark tanks at the park every full moon to hide. However, when I moved Sweeneyland many miles away from Rederring to make the ESP's choice of headquarters a bit more logical, and dropped the idea of the shark tanks, I decided against the cetaceanthropy. But the dolphin had to stay, and I gave him many of the lines I was going to give to Edwards.

In other words, I didn't invent Hal in order to write myself out of a corner when Burns was attacked by piranha, as might seem likely. I wrote the river sequence in order to segue to the rest of the park, get Burns away from Ohms and Watt-san momentarily... and introduce Hal. Hal was written well before just about anything else in the chapter. This explains a lot, really. In particular, it demonstrates just how cobbled together Sweeneyland was, and how much I had to do to introduce some kind of flow.

In fact, in the early drafting stages of ESP, Sweeneyland was going to be a full-blown Jurassic Park parody (hence the chapter title, "Dumb Thing Has Survived".) As the chapter began, Burns would be travelling through the park in a little tour Jeep, trying to find clues as to Sartorio's whereabouts while seeing all of the preprogrammed creatures and solving jokey fake slider puzzles involving rubble. (The solution to one of the slider puzzles was going to be bombing the sliders, setting off an object that would turn them to fakes.) After this had happened for a bit, the power to the park would go out, a storm would start, and action sequences would begin as Burns was chased around by the animals.

I quickly realized that this would get old fast, mainly because I'm not very good at action sequences, and the whole thing was sort of aimless. How was Burns going to ever find Sartorio? For that matter, how would I keep the game from ending up with exactly the same gameplay as the games it parodied? I could probably have resolved this, but the idea of a random, surreal park was much easier, allowed a bit more direction, and appealed to my desire for variety.

In hindsight, I probably should have gone with the Jurassic Park parody. Bother.
__________________


* NYARLETHOLE WILL EAT YOUR SOUL. VOTE ESP. *